GW Goes Python
by Matsuri1
Summary: This is a really strange fic where GW characters act out Monty Python sketches. See what happens when Duo plays the part of a composer/tv host or Wufei takes on the role of Genghis Khan. Find out what Wu has against a crab. New chapter! Pacifism was dev
1. Famous Deaths

GW Goes Python  
By: Matsuri  
Ok… this would be the product of sever boredom and an insane friends. Sorry to all of you who read it in advance. Any fics I've written in this series, besides being poorly written, are meant to be totally pointless and stupid. FYI- I unfortunately do not own either Gundam Wing or the Monty Python scripts used in here. I'm not making any profit off of this. Oh, and this would be dedicated to the friend who inspired it… Sakura.   
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
Nerurisa walks into the studio and flops down in the director's chair. She picks up the stacks of script next to her and flips through. Why on earth was she here? She's a writer, not a director. And just who were these people she was working with? Before she had time to figure that out there was a crash out in the hall.  
"Shit!"  
"Oh, you did it now…"  
"But…"  
"Shut up!"  
"Where were we supposed to go?"  
"Hn."  
"HHHEEEERRRROOOOO!!!!"  
"Omea o kurosu."  
"Can't you just say shut up like everyone else? We all know you're never gonna kill the girl."  
A boy with a long chestnut brown braid and violet eyes skips in chanting something along the line of, "Chang-ing Wu-man!" An Asian boy with a very tight ponytail followed, his face bright red in anger. There was another with bright blonde hair pleading with the group to keep it down, and it could be noted rather unsuccessfully. Seconds later, two others followed, totally silent and possible sane on first appearance… except that the one in spandex keeps shooting death glares at the blonde girl following him and her friend who was ranting on war. On second thought, these ones didn't seem very different from the odd assortment of people who came in shortly after.  
"What the hell is going on?" she asks blankly sitting up.  
"Shinigami lives!" the first boy laughed evilly.  
"Shut up, Maxwell!"  
Nerurisa shakes her head in confusion, but decides not to ask.  
"We're here to run a few scripts…" the short blonde says over the noise.  
"Oh, right… and your names would be?"  
They all shouted at once, except for the two she'd guessed at being sane. The one in spandex, who had dark hair and cobalt eyes, pulled a gun from nowhere and let a shot go off toward the ceiling. That erased any idea of sanity in the group that the director had. Between the gun's general presence and the shower of plaster, the group went silent. The boy she was speaking to nodded in the other's direction and then turned his attention back to her.  
"I'm Quatre… that's Heero, Trowa, Duo, Wufei, Dorothy…"  
"I'm the queen of the world!"  
"Her name is Relena…"  
"AKA the pacifist from hell."  
"I believe that…"  
"Here we go again."  
"I am Shinigami!"  
"We know Duo!" they chorus.  
"Natuku is better than Shinigami… Nataku conquers all!"  
"Nataku sucks Wu-man!"  
There was a mad dash around the room before the fifth boy, who had yet to speak up, caught a hold of the raging Asian.  
"Stop!" Nerurisa screams, her face slightly flushed with color, "Here are the scripts. Read the first sketch, set up cast, and get moving."  
  
Famous Deaths  
Mozart, played by Duo in a very fake whit powdered wig, sits tinkling with Keys on a piano. He was supposed to stop and say his line but instead slams a fist onto the keys in frustration.  
"Which key is C?"  
"Cut!" Nerurisa yells.  
"Did I do something wrong?"  
"You're supposed to say the line, Maxwell…"  
"Shut up, I didn't ask you!"  
"Duo, say your lines."  
"But I just…"  
"No, you don't need to know C."  
"Fine."  
They start over and Duo turns from the piano to speak.  
"Hello again, and welcome to the show. Tonight we continue to look at some famous deaths…"  
Before he could continue a bench leg cracked and he fell over, his wig underneath him creating a huge cloud of dust.  
"Stop!" Nerurisa yells through a fit of coughs.  
"That was not my fault!"  
"Someone get another bench!" She continues, ignoring Duo.  
"Well it wasn't!'  
"We know, Duo…"  
"Shinigami!"  
"Whatever…"  
Heero picks up the broken bench and steps on Duo to get the leg. Duo screams for him to get off but was ignored. Without another word Wufei was smacked in the back of the head with the piece of wood.  
"What was that for Yuy!"  
Trowa picked up the leg and stared at, "Wufei… You cut this."  
"You can't prove it."  
"Wu, I'm gonna kill you!"  
There would have been another chase but Heero stopped the boy.  
"Enough you two!"  
Heero then glares at the director.  
"I just… *gulp* um, was gonna say forget it and let's run through the sketch."  
"No stops."  
"What!?" she yells, but quickly backs off again after receiving a death glare. The sooner they finished, the sooner they'd leave.  
Duo repeats his opening, "Hello again, and welcome to the show. Tonight we continue to look at some famous deaths. Tonight we start with the wonderful death of Wu-man…"  
"Maxwell, you little…"  
"I mean, Genghis Khan, conqueror of India. Take it away Genghis."  
Wufei paced around the other set. The Indian-style background music stops, but he stands defiantly.  
"This is an insult to my sense of honor and…"  
A white object flies through the air, a trail of dust behind it. Wufei is hit in the face and falls hard onto his back. Through a fit of coughs Wufei was heard muttering curses and something about justice. Before he could get up the scene cut to the judges. Relena was playing with her hair, talking to herself, Trowa was staring off set blankly, and Heero sat on the end grimly, trying to keep as far away from Relena as possible.   
"Excuse me…" Duo interrupts, snapping them back and suddenly they all hold up cards.  
"10.0, 10.0, 10.0… That's 30 points for Mozart's throw!" Quatre chimes in.  
Duo smiles proudly, wiping his hands on his pant leg trying to get rid of the dust.   
Quatre speaks up again, "9.1, 9.3, 9.7… That's 28.1 for Wu… I mean, Genghis Khan."  
"Wait!" Relena yells, "Can I change mine?"  
"No!'  
"Bad Luck Genghis," Duo says, banging on the piano again, "Nice to have you on the show…not! And now here are the scores!"  
St. Stephan29.9  
Richard III29.3  
Jean D'arc29.1  
A. Lincoln (US of A) 28.2  
G. Khan28.1  
King Edward VII3.1  
"Well, there you can see the scores now," Quatre continues, "St. Stephan is in the lead there with his stoning, then comes King Richard III at Bosworth Field, a grand death that, then the very lovely Jean D'arc, then Marat in his bath- best friends with Charlotte in the showers afterwards- then A. Lincoln of the US of A, a grand little chap that, and number six, Wu-man Khan, then comes King Edward VIII."  
"And at the back marker, Heero Yuy with a lame attempt at a self-destruction and -30 points," Zech chimes in.  
Heero shoots him a death glare.  
"Back to you Wolfgang."  
"Thank you Quatre. And now time for this weeks request death," he continues, picking up a card, Mr. Bruce Foster or Guildford, AKA Mr. Heero Yuy and the death of Relena Peacecraft…"  
"That wasn't it!"  
"Who cares… I wanna see this one."  
Relena was pushed onto the stage and stared around blankly. A wild gunshot hits right in front of her, throwing her to the floor. The scene ends focused on the small hole while Relena could be heard protesting in the background.  
Duo looks at his watch and was about to say his line when he was interrupted by Relena's whining and a few Japanese insults coming from the other set.  
"Shut the hell up already!"  
"Eierian mitai no kao shiyagatte, muko e ike!"  
Duo ignores him and turns back to the camera, "Oh, blimey, how times fly… who wrote these damn lines? They suck."  
"Cut!"  
Nerurisa's chair collapses before she could say anything else, at the hands of Heero of course.  
"Sadly, we are reaching the end of yet another program and so it's finale time. We are proud to be bringing you on of the evergreen bucket kickers. Yes, the wonderful death of the famous English Admiral Nelson."  
There was a short film of a tall office building where a man jumps out of it and falls to the pavement with a sickening splat.  
"Cut," Nerurisa sighs… at least now she could interrupt.  
"They all jump at the sound of a pig squealing.  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
If I get enough requests for it I may just put out the second sketch, 'Italian Lesson.'   
E-mail me if you'd like to read it. And I welcome any comments, criticisms, or flames.  



	2. Wizzo Butter

Ok, so I lied. I didn't put up Italian Lesson... but I really like this one (as well as the rest) better. So kill me... not literally. Anyway, um... yeah, this is probably one of the most messed up sketches yet. Poor, poor crab... Ok, better not give it away.   
I don't own Gundam Wing, the Monty Python sketches, or Wizzo Butter *pouts* but I wish I did, not the butter, but you get the idea. And as for this part... my only warning is a slightly violent crab and cross-dressing. Enjoy!  
  
Nerurisa was still working on fixing the chair when they finished reading over the 2nd script. She didn't bother to assign parts... unfortunately. The group basically assigned each other by the time they walked over to the girl who was supposed to be in charge.   
"Heero... what the hell did you do to this chair?"  
The assassin dumps a bunch of screws, nuts, and bolts from his pocket and then walks onto the stage. Everyone else follows him, snickering at the puzzled looking director  
  
Wizzo Butter  
  
During a short animation Trowa was forced to read a small voice over. It took Nerurisa a long enough time to get him to read as is.  
"Yes, mothers... new improved Wizzo Butter containing 10% more or less... More or less what?"  
"Shh! Just read!"  
"... is absolutely indistinguishable from a dead crab. Remember buy Wizzo Butter and go to heaven..."  
"You were supposed to emphasize the last word."  
"Supposed to what?"  
"He did..." Quatre interrupts.  
"Never mind... just go."  
The animation ended and the scene opened with the four other Gundam boys on stage, three dressed as middle age and middle to low class British women *scary thought.* The fourth, who had ended up being Quatre, sat with a mic, supposedly interviewing them. Wufei picks up his props carefully, eyeing the offending objects as if they could explode at any second.  
"Onna! What the hell are these?"  
"Cut!" Nerurisa yells, "Chang, that is not the line."  
His face flushed dark crimson, "How are you use my first name woman! Injustice! Have you no honor!"  
She gulps and glances quickly over at the camera to find it still rolling. Zechs had apparently misplaced the cameraman.  
"Zechs, what do you think you're doing?"  
"Look at me when I talk to you woman!"  
"Collecting material for blackmail..."  
"So me justice!"  
"It would be just for you to shut up, Wu-man."  
He turns to glare at Duo, "Maxwell! Who gave you permission to speak!"  
"Chill out, Wu..."  
"How dare you!"  
"Well," Quatre speaks up, "He's kinda right. After all, you are cross dressing and..."  
Suddenly Wufei seemed to notice the fact he'd been forced into a floral pattern dress and goes pale before starting to rant again. Heero throws the crab prop at him, which turned out not to be as dead as originally thought and attaches itself to his ear. He ran around screaming until someone pinned him down to remove it.  
"No justice... dishonor to all of you. Only I can..."  
"Wufei! Sit down!"  
He took his place on stage, still grumbling.  
"Action..."  
Wufei picks up the container of butter and stares at it blankly. Taking a quick sniff his face immediately went green. He then turned and grabbed the crab by a leg.  
"I can't tell the difference between Wizzo Butter and this... dishonorable dead crab."  
The poor thing was squirming as he held it up, and before he could fix it so that his last statement was true, Relena jumped up and grabbed the crab.  
"Woman! What are you doing!"  
"Don't kill it!"  
"That filthy, wretched, lame excuse of a creature..."  
"I think I'll keep it as a pet."  
"WHAT!"  
"It's cute..."  
"Onna! You're weakness is your demise!"  
He drew his katana and made chase after the now loose crab until it scurried out of sight and he was forced back to his seat.  
"Um..." Quatre looks desperately off set to see if he should continue, "Yeah... We find that 9 out of 10 British housewives can't tell the difference between Wizzo Butter and a dead crab."  
"And Wu-men can't tell the difference between a dead crab and a live one," Duo adds.  
"Onna! How dare you!"  
"Wu, I'm not a woman!"  
"You sure as hell look like one..." Hilde snickers.  
Heero pulls both boys back into their seats. Wufei jumps up from his screaming a crab attached to his butt.  
"DIE CRAB!!!"  
He ran off after it again, and ended up in circles.  
"It's true! She can't!" The rest of the group choruses along with Duo, "Here, here! You're on television aren't you?"  
"Um, yeah... sure..."  
"You do that thing with those silly women who can't tell Wizzo Butter from a dead crab... like Wu-man."  
"Omea o kurosu."  
"Last I checked there wasn't any Japanese in this sketch."  
"Hn."  
"Would anyone like to translate?"  
"No!" the chorus.  
"Fine... someone, now!" Nerurisa yells.  
"He said... 'You try that around here you blond idiotic... oh, um..."  
"Skip that part."  
"Ok...and we'll slit you face, hang you upside-down from a flagpole, hold target practice on your pathetic ass, and then... What! Heero, you perv!"  
"Never mind... I don't wanna know."  
"He said all that?"  
"Yeah, and then some..."  
Wufei looked over at Duo, who was shoving his face with the fuzzy green mass that was supposedly Wizzo Butter and turned a stranger shade of green than before. He ran out with one hand over his mouth. Noin turned around to get the next scrip and her hand hit something. The small crab flew across the room and slammed into the camera. It lay on the floor, one leg twitching.  
"Now what do you have to say for yourself?"  
"HAHAHA! I DEMAND WAR!" Dorothy howls.  
"Oops?"  
  



	3. Flying Sheep

Look, I'm just really getting this done aren't I? As usual, I basically don't own anything I use in this part, such as Gundam Wing or Monty Python. However, I do own a sheep costume somewhere… Oh well. Ya know, it's a shame I didn't actually have Relena die in this part. That would be funny… but then again, I need her later. You'll see what I mean. FYI- There are few hints at yaio relationships… just cause I can't stand the idea of Heero and Relena. Nothing too serious that I think it would offend anyone, but ya never know. Oh, and sorry to all of you who read the reviews… one of my strange friends kinda gave this part away a little.  
Have fun, enjoy the story, and *whispers* watch out for flying sheep.  
BAA…BAA…FLAP, FLAP, FLAP… WHOOSH…THUD!!!  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Episode 2: Sex and Violence  
  
By the time they got around to the second episode, Nerurisa was glad to be alive and slowly putting her chair back together.  
  
Flying Sheep  
  
Duo skips into the scene. Hilde leaned on a tree trunk with a staff in hand, watching him carefully. She was determined to do this somewhat correctly.  
"Hey, what's up?"  
"Eh, 'tis nothin' much," she replies in a thick British accent.  
"You here on vacation?"  
"Nope, I live 'ere."  
"Well that sucks."  
"What are you saying you pompous…"  
Duo looked slightly confused before bolting around her and staring up at a tree.  
"Hey, is that a pacifist freak up a tree?"  
"Cut!" Nerurisa yells, "What pacifist freak?"  
"Baa… baa…"  
She jumps at the sight of two of the characters in sheep costumes who the rest had forced up the fake tree."  
"What? It is two pacifist freaks, isn't it?"  
"Duo, be nice…"  
"Ah thank you for that Hilde…"  
"What?" she asks, looking over at the boy in the tree, "I meant don't insult sheep in general. It's no use trying to not insult you Quatre…"  
"If sheep are pacifist then I am proud to play one." Relena coos, "All people should turn to pacifism too…"  
Before she could finish, Duo shot a small rock from a slingshot he just so happened to have, knocking Relena out of the tree. She kept her mouth shut while concentrating on getting back up.  
"Can we get moving?"  
"Action…" The director sighs.  
"Uh… Those are pacifist freaks, aren't they?"  
"Ere, sir? No, those be sheep, sir…"  
"Um, yeah… right. Why the hell are they up there?"  
"A fair question…"  
"Naw, a fair question 'ould be why the 'ell are they pacifist," Duo replies, failing miserably at imitating Hilde's accent.  
"I am not pacifist!" Quatre protests, "I used to be but that…"  
A gunshot knocks the entire tree over. There's a scramble to get it back up, and the camera pans over Heero and Zechs fighting over a gun.  
"As I said… a fair question and one 'at in recent weeks 'as been much on my mind. It's my considered opinion 'at 'ey're nestin'…"  
"What?"  
"A prime example of American stupidity," Wufei mutters.  
"I'd keep my mouth shut if I were you, Wu-man…"  
"Yeah, look whose talking. So Duo's stupid by nationality. You're a chauvinist pig, overly temperamental, and totally insane. Do we hold all that against you?"  
"Bad comparison…"  
"Aye," Hilde continues, louder than normal in order to attempt to end the conversation off stage, not that it did any good."  
"Kinda like birds? Maybe Treize and Zechs?"  
"Wait just a damn minute! Where did they come in?"  
"Well, the tend t brood over stuff and aren't they such a cute couple?"  
A disgusted groan runs though the audience.  
"Duo, you are such a perv."  
"Well it's true!"  
"Omea o kurosu…" Zechs retaliates, grabbing the gun from Heero.  
"No one…" Heero begins, taking his gun back, "Uses my line."  
There was another struggle for the gun until Relena ran over. At that moment, Heero took cover to avoid the stalker and Zechs stood there dumbfounded.  
"You mean my brother is a fag!"  
"Relena!"  
"I don't care to know anything about their preferences or personal life…" Nerurisa interrupts, flushed and feeling slightly sick to the stomach.  
"But it that's true," someone continues, "It would seem that Zechs is hitting on Heero."  
By that time, Relena took to right out screaming at her brother, ranting as she usually would. Duo looked severely offended, and if he thought he'd be able to, he would have been yelling at Zechs too. Not that Relena would let him… Heero flinched at the thought, but being he was hiding from Relena, and other reaction couldn't be distinguished. The rest passed around amused looks. Hilde took that moment to continue the sketch, seeing as any further discussion of the issue would lead into something most of them didn't want to hear.  
"Yeah… I guess. It's my belief these sheep are laborin'…"  
Duo snickers and she whacks him over the head with her staff.  
"… under the misappre'ension 'at 'ey're birds. Observe 'eir be'avior. Take for a start, the sheep's tendency to 'op about the field on 'eir 'ind legs. Now…"  
"I didn't know sheep hop."  
"Tis 'eir misappre'ension, sir…"  
"Their what?"  
"Ne'er mind, sir… Now witness 'eir attempts to fly from tree to tree…"  
"SHEEP CAN FLY!!!"  
"Ave you been declared an official imbecile by you 'ome country, sir… or do you just 'ave an extremely short attention span?"  
"Huh?"  
"I thought so… Notice 'at 'ey do not so much fly as… plummet."  
"Baa… baa…"  
Quatre looks over the branch. Before he could comment on the fall, Dorothy pushed him from behind.  
*FLAP, FLAP, FLAP… WHOOSH… THUD*  
"Whoa! Cool!" Duo yells, jumping up and down pointing, "Did you see that? Like… Like…"  
"As I said… plummet. Like a rock, sir?"  
"No, like maybe a missile, or some kamikaze pilot, or maybe Heero in Wing…"   
Hilde rolls her eyes apathetically, "Aye… whatever."  
Quatre dusts himself off and walks over to Hilde in deep thought.  
"Why, exactly, would a sheep even consider it was a bird? I mean, that's ridiculous…"  
"Monty Python is supposed to be stupid… I've never seen one that makes sense."  
"That's why it rocks!" Duo adds.  
"As for the sheep," she continues, "It's blatantly obvious you ain't a creature of the air. Sheep 'ave enormous difficulty in the simple act of perchin'…"  
Relena had started ranting about pacifism again while all this happened. While Hilde seemed preoccupied reciting her lines to a pacifist sheep, Duo snuck off and climbed the tree. Tying and gagging Relena, he stood there for a second holding her over the branch, contemplating what he was about to hopefully accomplish. So what if Heero would kill him if he actually did kill Relena for him. The camera focuses on the tree again and Duo winks before tossing the girl over.  
* WHOOSH… THUD *   
"YES! DEATH TO THE PACIFIST FROM HELL!" he howled, running around cheering and screaming for quite awhile.   
Nerurisa attempted to stop the run, but she couldn't be heard over the braided Shinigami.  
Heero came out to see what exactly was going on and scared Hilde, who jumped about a foot in the air. Instead of trying to calm Duo down, she went on talking to him instead.  
"Trouble is, sheep are very dim. Once 'ey get an idea in 'eir 'eads 'ere's no shifting it."  
"No wonder pacifism doesn't work! It's made up by complete idiots in sheep costumes!" Duo chimes in, for once paying slight attention.  
"Right…"  
"HHHHEEEEEEEERRRRROOOOO!"  
Relena jumped up and made chase, but the assassin had a convenient head start. Zechs had since taken refuge up in the tree and watched, thoroughly amused.  
"But where would they get that idea?" Quatre asks, in absence of anyone better.  
"From Harold. He's the most dangerous of creature's… a clever sheep."  
The shot pans from Dorothy to Duo, and finding that neither would fit the description, focused on Zechs up in the tree while someone quickly through him a sheep costume.  
"He's realized that a sheep's life consists of standin' 'round for a few months and then bein' eaten. And 'at's a depressing prospect for an ambitious sheep."  
Quatre was now eyeing Harold, or in this instance the first Harold Dorothy, and slowly backing away.  
"So," Duo says cheerfully, taking over now that Quatre was running from Dorothy, who was very slowly gaining on him, "Let's send out a hunting party and blow the sheep to smithereens! We can use…"  
"Sir, we can't do that!"  
"Well, why not? I mean, if you use…"  
"Because of the enormous commercial possibilities if 'e succeeds."  
"What?"  
"If not, then we can always use an idiot like yourself."  
"Cut! Now what the hell was that?"  
"Ere? I mean… here? That was the skit."  
"It was not!"  
"It's right here…"  
Nerurisa grabs the script and reads over it quickly, noticing that someone had done a whole lot of rewriting. She sighs and motions for them to continue with the next sketch.  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE… R&R!!! Thanks… um, now that I'm sane again, if there are any questions, email me. Other than that, just thought I'd let ya know the next sketch will be… *drum roll* 'A Man With Three Buttocks!' Dare ya to guess who that is.  



End file.
